6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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This kid is going places
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Mhm.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you