If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
You Might Also Like
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.