I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Dead sexy!!
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Punctuation Matters. Period.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
The sacred texts.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips