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I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*