Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
#polloftheday
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
just witnessed a drug deal
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.