I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
3% human
97% stress
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I was bored.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.