Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: