7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.