[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
You Might Also Like
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.