[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.