my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Stick it to the man
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body