Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..