[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.