My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Donkey Kong sommelier
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.