I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
(yawn)
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.