Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here