I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*