How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
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Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me too
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins