Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.