Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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Is this you?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*