So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
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A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
🥶🥶🐶🐶
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.