I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
You Might Also Like
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Personal question. #JustSaying
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.