When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.