I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Sex so good you see dead people.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET