My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
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[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”