who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
this is 10/10 content no notes
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.