I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
*pronounces patio like ratio
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment