Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS