*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything