I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.