Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.