My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Catercrombie & Fish
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.