At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
This is enough internet for the day.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.