As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Simple enough.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?