You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent