lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My dog learned how to text
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
best review i’ve ever seen
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.