My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
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When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.