It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
work smarter, not harder
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape