The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.