Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.