I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’