[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
You Might Also Like
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
scares
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches