The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
You Might Also Like
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
congratulations to them
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers