What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.