People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
adding to the discourse
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM