Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Jurassic park gets weird
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
The USS B port
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*updates tinder bio*
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
couldn’t resist
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
That eye roll….
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.