What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
any last words?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.