[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
You Might Also Like
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.