I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
North and South
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns