[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.